What Never Was
by JAK Kinase
Summary: AU. Kuina survives instead of Zoro. Bon Clay meets up with Nami and becomes a pirate thief. Kaya wants to become a pirate doctor. This and more... Drabble format. Aoi24's AU challenge.
1. East Blue, Part One, Starting Off

What Never Was

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Chapter One: East Blue, Part One, Starting Off

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i. The First Crew Member

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"Heeeey, Nee-chan. Whatcha doing there?"

"Waiting," she tells them. The bandana wrapped across her head, cast shadows over her face that did little to make her look less intimidating. Corded muscles stand out, straining against the bonds.

"For what?" Luffy asks curiously. Coby tugs at his shirt but he ignores the little boy.

"For another twenty-one days to pass." Her expression is strangely predatory.

"Shishishishi." Luffy laughs. "You're strange. I'd die if I had to stay tied up like that."

"I'm Kuina." She says, as if that were answer enough. "I'll be the best swordsman in the world. This is nothing."

Her stomach growls, betraying her brave words.

More meekly: "...you wouldn't happen to have food, would you?"

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ii. Okama

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Kuina is rowing as fast as she can and thus nearly misses the okama's peril. He's grasping weakly at some debris and she takes all of ten seconds to fish him out of the water.

"Thank you," the okama says, "thank you sooooo much. You are a swanderful person-"

A pair of paddles clatter onto his head. He blinks.

"Can you row?" Kuina asks.

"Stop jooooking around! Of course I can row!"

"Good." She sighs and admits the sad, embarrassing truth as she continues to row: "My Captain was kidnapped by a bird."

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iii. Buggy

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"Nami-neesama!" Bon Clay yells, twirling as he kicks the ruffians away.

"Bon-chan!" Nami exclaims.

Luffy is laughing from his iron cage. Kuina's eyebrow twitches. There's a story here but she's not entirely sure she wants to know what it is.

"So," Buggy says, eyes glinting menacingly. He has a fistful daggers that Kuina is paying _very_ close attention to. "Both Pirate Hunter Kuina and the Deadly Okama are after my head, huh?"

"The lovely and beauteous Nami-san has showed me the error of my ways!" Bon Clay announces grandly. "I am a pirate thief! A thief that steals from pirates!"

Nami groans into her hands. "Stop _announcing_ it, Bon-chan."

Kuina just says: "No."

"Well, I don't care, if I kill you two my name will grow!" Buggy says before launching himself at them.

Bon Clay kicks the clown in the groin.

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iii. Syrup Village, Part I, Lying Children

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They arrive in Syrup Village on their two little boats and admire the quiet scenery. Luffy, of course, is hungry so they wander towards the village restaurant only to get lost as Luffy's nose picks up more appetizing smells. Unfortunately, they make it to a private mansion and although Nami's eyes sparkle, Luffy is adamant that they only steal from bad people.

Which Nami agrees to, of course. She and Bon-chan only steal from pirates! No one else! Obviously!

There's the sound of glass tinkling and then a thin, wiry man comes out, holding three struggling kids by the back of their pants. Then he tosses them out in the street, sniffs at the bedraggled appearance of the pirates and retreats back into the mansion.

The children dust themselves off dutifully before yelling at the retreating butler. "Idiot!" "Meanie!" "Captain Usopp!" "Idiot, Captain Usopp's not an insult!" "Ow! But he'll take it like one!" "That doesn't make it right-"

"Captain Usopp?" Luffy asks, excited. "There are more pirates here?"

"He left with his Dad a while back," one of the kids admits, eyes hidden by a hat before fearlessly getting to his feet and extending a hand. His gaze seems captured by the okama who is spinning in place although it's hard to tell, what with his eyes being hidden at all. "Are you pirates too?" He asks uncertainly.

"Sure are!" Luffy grins. "Whatcha doing?"

"_We_," the child announces, "are telling lies."

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iv. Syrup Village, Part II, Asking for a Boat

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"Can we have a boat?" Luffy asks, the first thing after the children introduce them to Miss Kaya.

The blonde girl smiles warmly at them. She toys with a slingshot. "Did you really know Usopp's dad?"

"Don't look at me," Kuina says, holding onto Nami's arms while Bon-chan holds onto her legs. The thief seemed to have lost her composure in front of so deliciously unguarded treasure.

"Of course I knew him!" Luffy exclaims. "He sailed with Shanks!" He leaned in conspiratorially: "Shanks is really cool. And so was Yassop. He could shoot an ant's leg off a mile away!"

She puts a hand to her mouth and laughs. "Really?"

"I made a bet with him once," Luffy confided. "And I lost! Shishishishi."

"Usopp used to tell me stories-"

She's stopped by a voice that bellows: "What are you plebeians doing here?" The butler walks around the corner of the mansion. "Get away from the young mistress, you filthy peons."

"Kurahandol!" Kaya exclaims, appalled.

"It's only the truth," the butler says silkily. "Allow me to remove them from the premises-"

"We'll remove ourselves, thanks," Nami spits out. They walk away and Luffy waves cheerfully.

"I'll be back!" he promises.

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v. Syrup Village, Part III, Declaration of Battle

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"Ne, Nami, I don't get it."

Nami feels like strangling the self-proclaimed captain but manages to restrain herself. They're on a bluff overlooking a clearing where Kuro and Jango are conversing. "They want to kill Kaya, you fool."

"Ah! That cheerful girl? We have to stop them-"

And Nami _knows_ what he's about to do and manages to stop him. "You idiot. They have more pirates here! When neither of them come back, what do you think will happen? They'll rampage and then the entire village will go up in flames."

"Oh." Luffy puts a finger to his ear and digs into it. He snorts. "I still think I need to beat them up."

He stands. Nami tugged desperately on his sleeve but it's no use. "YOU GUYS. DON'T KILL HER."

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vi. Syrup Village, Part IV, Battle

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"Gaaahaahahahaha! You are very strong, Kuina-san!"

"You idiot! She's hypnotized! Knock her out!"

"Gaaahahahaha – don't worry! Okama kempo is the strong - OW!"

"Arrrgh, this is no use. Luffy, wake up!"

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vii. Syrup Village, Part V, Aftermath

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"I'll give you Going Merry..." the blonde said, eyes bright, "if you'll take me with you."

"It's dangerous," Nami hedges and even if she doesn't refuse a free gift _ever,_ those with strings attached make her read the fine print several times. "They're pirates."

"Aren't you a pirate?"

"Me and Bon-chan are pirate _thieves_," she corrects. "We _steal_ from pirates." Then she amends her words because the two crazy idiots are growing on her. "Bad pirates."

"Shouldn't I be giving the Going Merry to Luffy, then?" Kaya asks, confused.

At this point, Luffy has the spectacularly bad timing to round the corner. "You're giving me the Going Merry?" He asks, delighted. Scratch marks still dominate most of his body.

Kuina and Bon-chan are still recuperating.

"Yes!" She says, before Nami can get a word in edgewise. "If you'll let me be a pirate!"

"Of course!" He smiles. Then he grins. "You're pretty good with the slingshot. Shishishishi."

She smiles shyly. "I was taught by a... by my best friend."

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viii. Hawkeye Mihawk

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Kuina breathes raggedly. She can barely see through the haze of pure _anger_. "I – you – looking down on me because I'm a wom-"

"Do not mistake me," the best swordsman in the world says calmly, holding out his tiny dagger as he waits for her to find her feet. "You are just a tadpole swimming at the bottom of the well, mistaking pennies for treasure and gnats for true foes." He shakes his head. "You have yet to see the real world."

"DON'T LOOK DOWN ON KUINA-SAAAN!" Bon-chan yells from the sidelines.

"Don't bring attention to us, idiot!" Nami says, smacking him on the back of the head.

Johnny and Yasopp are trying to do something stupid and heroic. Luffy bangs their heads down onto the deck. Sanji-kun is being held down similarly by Zeff-san. Kaya has her hands covering her mouth.

Kuina takes a deep breath. "On your honor as a swordsman," she asks, desperately willing her voice not to betray weakness, "it is not because I am a girl?"

He nods and holds out the dagger again.

Kuina gets to her feet and smiles grimly. This time when she attacks the dagger follows every movement and then plunges deep into her chest. She chokes out blood.

"Step back," Mihawk says softly, "or die."

"I think..." she says, blood spurting. "That I would rather die than lose."

The dagger retreats. He takes out the black longsword. Kokutou Yoru. The strongest sword in the world.

Kuina feels something in her chest loosen. It's probably blood loss.

She steps forward and attacks again. When he cuts her open – a single gash that splits open her side and goes for the soft, meaty things that can never be trained she chokes out more blood but gets to her trembling feet and turns around.

"You will die," he tells her.

"Then I will die fulfilling my dream." She tells him, eyes laughing.

When she attacks again he cuts her from left shoulder to right hip and she falls to the broken deck.

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ix. Man-Demon

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"I'm not a cook," Gin growls as he plunks the half-edible meal down.

Kuina devours it voraciously. Or as voraciously as she can manage with two wounds that should be enough to kill her. Luffy sobs but quietly since Kaya has a surprisingly scary smile for someone who is supposedly a sickly youth and she refuses to have people riling up her patients.

"Saaaanji," Luffy cries as he devours the food, "my meeeeeat. It tastes so _bitter_."

"It's good for you," Kaya chides, drinking the soup without any apparent disgust.

"You were the one who wanted to leave him behind!" Gin explodes. He's holding a notebook with someone else's dream. "And why did you take me with you? The Grand Line's a crazy place, kid. Take it from me, you won't survive it."

"We needed a navigator," Luffy says, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world as he continues sobbing. He sounds heart-broken. "Since Bon-chan and Nami left."

Kaya nods sadly. "She took my pocket money too. She really is a pirate thief."

"I'm _not_ a navigator either!" Gin exclaims as if it's pertinent information. "I'm a killer! A thief! A murderer!"

"That's alright," Kaya says, patting him consolingly on the shoulder. "So was my butler."

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x. Continuation

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"Hey! Where's my sword?"

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Omake: Reunion

"Ow! Why'd you hit me? And what's that – ew, rotten eggs?"

"Mom said you'd never come back! And now – now – why are you so _late_. Huh?"

"Hey, kiddo, I know it wasn't-"

"I promised Mom I'd become a brave warrior of the sea. I _promised_!"

"Well kiddo, you never promised you'd do it on your own, right? Come on, chin up. I came back as soon as I could. That was the deal."

"Oh come on , stop crying. Pirates don't cry."

"Dahahahahaha. You're a goddamn liar Yasopp. Pirates cry all the time!"

"Woah, woah, Dad, is that the _Shanks_?"

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Author's Notes: Here's the drabble version of what would have been the first arc of What Never Was But Might Have Been. I re-read the first chapter and sadly realized that if I changed Tashigi's name to an OC one I'd almost end up with a Mary Sue of some sort or another. So! I switched some things around (Kuina's a lot more ruthless in my imagination, and yes, Zoro's dead in this verse, he tripped down the stairs instead) and then popped out the highlights reel. I admit, with this format, I can probably complete the damn thing.

Oh, and, this was indirectly inspired by Aoi24's AU challenge. Far more directly inspired by Phalanx's Five Pieces where the Supernovas end up as Straw Hats.


	2. East Blue, Part Two, Arlong Saga

What Never Was

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Chapter Two: East Blue, Part Two, Arlong Saga

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i. Explanations

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"Bon-chan! Who did this to you?"

"Hi... Luffy-san."

"Bon-chan!" Kaya exclaims, taking out her rolls of bandages and needles and various other medical supplies. "Don't move! This is serious!"

Bite marks dot his entire body. They are huge, gaping things. Some sort of shark or sea king, if Kaya is any judge.

"Save... Nami-neesama." Bon Clay begs. There are tears in his eyes. "Save her, Luffy-san."

"We're under no obligation," Kuina says coldly. "You stole our stuff." Then she bends down. "Where is my blade?"

Gin grasps the injured girl by her good shoulder. "Woah, calm down. He's hurt nearly as bad as you are."

"They took _my. sword_."

Johnny and Yasopp look between their sempai and the horribly injured okama uncertainly.

"No... no... you're right," Bon Clay breathes. "I... we... Nami-neesama rescued me from drowning. And then she paid for my life when Arlong came to ask for taxes! Even when I was not her friend but only a stranger! Even after I told her what horrible things I did! She pretends to be a villain but she is actually a good person. No, the _best_ person. Even when-"

"Boring," Luffy says, getting to his feet. He walks away.

"Luffy-san?" Bon Clay asks weakly.

Luffy has his arms on the back of his neck. "Shishishishi. I've already decided to save her." He turns and smiles. "And you too, Bon-chan."

Bon Clay weeps. "Thank you, Luffy-san. Thank you-"

Kuina growls and Gin is suddenly struggling to keep her in place. "_I_'d like an explanation. Where's Wado Ichimonji?"

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ii. March to Arlong Park

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They find her, stabbing her shoulder.

"Nami-san," Kaya says hesitantly. "You shouldn't-"

"Go away," Nami sobs. It's such a hoarse, broken sound and she continues to stab until Luffy grabs her hand. When he reveals that he won't budge she bangs her fist on the ground.

"Go away... go away... go away... GO _AWAY_!" She screams, throwing sand and dirt in their direction. "You don't understand..." a shudder wracks her frame, "you can't understand... they took Bellmere-mama," she says, shaking and crying all the harder. "They took... they took Nojiko-neesama. And now he's going to take everyone else-"

She looks up. The tears there out of place. "Help me," she croaks.

Luffy slams his hat on her head and she looks up at him, blinking uncomprehendingly.

"We'll save them," he promises her. "WE'LL DEFINITELY SAVE THEM."

They march.

Not soldiers off to war.

They're about to start a massacre.

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ii.5. Bon-chan to the rescue!

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"You _idiot_," Genzo grouses, pinwheel spinning wetly as he fishes Bon Clay out of the water. Luffy is stuck down there, feet planted on concrete, probably drowning. "You can't swim either!"

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iii. Kaya versus Chew

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She's hurt bad, she knows. She's not like the others who are strong and fast and incredible. Real heroes, like in the stories Usopp would tell her.

But Nami's suffering and Bon-chan's suffering and the entire village is suffering and she could have saved everyone with what amounts to less than a third of her fortune and the knowledge gnaws at her, deep and terrible.

"Weakling," the fishman says, lifting her by the hair. "What did you even hope to accomplish with your stupid attacks? All you did was delay the inevitable." She smiles and coughs at him before stabbing him with a dart.

"I'm a doctor," Kaya says softly. "So I'm really sorry about this."

Chew laughs. "Sorry about what-"

Then he hits the ground as the poison courses through his system.

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iv. Gin versus Kuruuobi

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"Difference between humans and fishmen?" Gin coughs as he spits out water. The karate fishman has cratered into the floor and his arms hang at odd angles. Gin hoists himself out of the pool and takes a deep breath.

Luffy's concrete prison is broken. He'll be up in a moment. Hopefully. Gin realizes that it took him too damn long to realize that the tonfas were dead weights in the water.

He hoists his signature weapons.

"Don't make me laugh, little fish. We're all pirates here." He twirls his cannonball tonfas. "Just thieves and murderers, one and all."

When Kuruuobi dies, Arlong snaps.

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v. Kuina versus Hatchan

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"You!" The octopus man roars.

"Errr, do I know you?" Kuina asks.

There's a pause in the battle as the two of them run through their list of possible acquaintances. It'd be a lot longer if they'd been the same species so it only takes them about five or so seconds. Kuina's grateful for the pause regardless: her wounds still throb.

"Huh," Hatchan mutters, scratching his spiky, gel-slicked hair. "I was really sure I was supposed to hold a grudge against you."

Kuina shrugs. "It happens." She smiles. "Are you as good with those swords as you think you are?"

He puffs his chest up. "These swords weigh a hundred kilograms each!"

Kuina holds out her family sword and slowly unsheathes it. "I'd say mine weighs more but that'd make this a pissing contest. Let's _fight_."

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vi. Arlong versus Gin

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"You _puny_ human," Arlong says murderously, punch making a crater into the ground. He gently extracts Kuruuobi from the ground. The karate fishman's face is smashed beyond all recognition. "How _dare_ you. How _dare_ you."

He is openly crying.

"You're a _pirate_," Gin says, stressing the last word. "There's only one rule among pirates."

Arlong recovers himself. Smiles. It is full of teeth. "Very true, human. Very true. I had almost forgotten. It's been so long..."

He gets up. Knuckles are cracked. "Then you are prepared," the shark fishman says.

"Every damn day." Gin says.

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vii. Arlong versus Kuina

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"Don't touch my sparring partner," she growls, blocking Arlong's charge.

Arlong tries to grip her by the wrist but she zips away.

"Sparring... is that why you guys saved me?" Gin asks, laughing weakly. His tonfas were broken at one point. He'll have to get new ones made.

"That's why _I_ saved you," Kuina retorts, "who knows what the hell Luffy was thinking." Trembling she blocks another charge. Then her stitches blow and blood gushes out. It's only a momentary distraction but it's enough. Arlong picks her up by the throat, grips her arm that's holding her katana and _squeezes_ – something cracks and she drops her meitou - and then he rips her shirt away.

"You're half-dead already," Arlong notes, sounding mildly disinterested. Kuina squirms and then yells as he digs a hand deep into her wound-

But then Luffy's there.

"Hands off of my nakama," he growls.

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viii. Luffy versus Arlong

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"You hurt Bon-chan. You hurt Gin. You hurt Kuina. You made my navigator cry."

Arlong rises. It defies belief: the kick was strong enough to make the entire building collapse. The fishman captain coughs. "And that is _nothing_ compared to what humans have done -"

Luffy's next blow silences him and he goes flying.

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ix. Aftermath

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"We just want our friend's body," Hatchan tells them. He's bandaged heavily but there's an air of quiet mourning about him that reminds everyone of the hate that such losses can bring to bear so they swallow their words and let him enter the village, one last time.

"Yo," Kuina waves. The village has prepared a feast. She's resting again which makes her feel itchy. She was resting _before_. She shouldn't have to rest _again_. Even if she feels worse than the time Mihawk split her open like a gutted fish. "You can always join us if the pirate thing doesn't work out."

"Kuina," Kaya chides, "don't say things like that. Not now."

Bon Clay comes out, holding the front of a casket. It's simple and poorly made but Gin, who isn't a navigator or a cook or a carpenter somehow banged it out anyway. The Man-Demon's holding the back.

Nami has a pile of cloth in her hands.

"I repaired his gi," she tells Hatchan uncertainly. The hate blazes in her eyes but there's something else there too. Understanding. "I know we-"

Hatchan breaks into tears and hugs her close even as everyone else in the plaza makes motions to grab their weapons. "I didn't know." The octopus fishman says. "I didn't know it would hurt so much. I'm sorry. I'm so- so – sorry."

Luffy stands up and announces solemnly: "Gin won't do that again. He promised."

Hatchan nods and takes both casket and gi, bows low and then leaves.

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x. Farewells

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"You're staying behind, Nami-neesama?"

Nami nods and puts a distracted hand through her hair. "I've thought about this – actually, I've thought a _lot_ about this and I – my hometown needs me right now. I can't leave. Not yet."

Luffy looks like he's frozen in shock. Kuina pats him on the back consolingly.

"If it's money you're worried about," Kaya offers, "I can get more..."

"No," Nami says, shaking her head. "No, it's not that at all. With Arlong here, no one wanted to even come _close_ to Cocoyashi. With trade disrupted we really need to find a way to support ourselves in the long-term."

"The tangerines you grow are _very_ good," Kaya chirps. "I can get you into contact with someone who'd really be interested in-"

"Would you?" Nami asks, "really?"

"Don't sacrifice your dream for us," Genzo says, walking up to them. The old man has heard enough. He puts a hand on Nami's head and ruffles her hair. "We'll be fine. Honestly."

Nami shakes his hand off. "Did I say _anything_ about sacrificing my dream?" She harrumpfs. "It'll only be for a little while. You'll see – within half a year you guys will be _drowning _in Beli and then I'll be off to the Grand Line on my own!"

She nods to herself in satisfaction.

"I'll stay with you, Nami-neesama!" Bon-chan says loyally.

Nami shakes her head and smiles softly. "You've got a princess to rescue, don't you?" She pats him on the head. "Go, Bon-chan. Do Cocoyashi proud." Then she sighs. "Plus, they need a real navigator. I'm sorry Gin, but you _suck_."

Gin throws up his hands and says something about not being a navigator in the first place.

Bon Clay cries and gets snot and tears all over Nami's shirt. She charges him fifteen hundred belli but tells him that he'll put it on his tab.

Luffy nods and then puts his hand out. "It's a promise. In half a year, we'll see you on the Grand Line."

She laughs and accepts the hand. "In half a year."

Gin pauses in mid-stride. Then he gets out a booklet and presses it into her hands. "Here. If you're serious about this, go to the Baratie. Find a guy named Sanji. He'll definitely help you."

She pauses and flips through the notes. "He's looking for... the All-Blue? But that's a myth-"

"The kid's strong." Gin nods. "And he'll definitely help you."


	3. Entering the Grand Line

What Never Was

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Chapter Three: Entering the Grand Line

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i. Loguetown, Mistaken Identity, Act I

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Kuina collapses.

It's kind of stupid: she didn't _really_ believe Kaya when she said that she shouldn't move and went to go explore town. She tries to get to her feet but even her heartbeat feels faint and weak. She passes out thinking that if she dies she'll come back to life just to kill herself because this is an _embarrassing _way to go.

A shadow tramples over her and then stops.

"There you are, Tashigi," a man with cigars says. He pokes at her with a boot before noticing the rapidly expanding pool of blood. "Oi, Tashigi, what's-" Gentle smokelike appendages grip and then turn her around and she groggily hears him gasp.

"Tashigi! Who did this to you?"

Kuina, half-conscious, manages to assume that someone has found her and deliriously says:

"Captain," she says. "I need to find... Luffy."

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ii. Longuetown, Mistaken Identity, Act II

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"I thought the doc told you not to go outside," Gin grouses, picking their swordswoman up from where she's examining racks of second-hand swords that have been put outside on display. She is surprisingly strong for someone that's on death's door – though obviously not up to full strength – and manages to get free.

"The doctor told me I need to stay in?" She gasps. He doesn't recall the spectacles and frowns.

"That's what I _said_," Gin exclaims. Bad enough that he's the oldest pirate on the ship and without any clear responsibility besides everything that no one else can do, he also has to play babysitter.

"But- but- my last medical," the swordswoman says, sounding frantic. "They said I was in tip-top shape!"

"Are you alright?" Gin asks, concerned. Kuina's always been level-headed and calm but wounds that terrible could easily cause her to get confused. She doesn't look like she's running a fever but- "Hey, you'd better lie down, you're looking pale-"

"I am?" She all but screeches. When she falls flat on her face Gin does the noble thing and hauls her to the ship despite all the inherent fuss.

And he's yet to buy provisions or commission new weapons. Damn.

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iii. Loguetown, Mistaken Identity, Act III

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"You're not Kuina." A blonde girl says, looking at her in confusion.

"Kuina?" Tashigi asks past the thermometer, nervously toying with her glasses. Strange people surround her and now that she's had a good look, one of them is straw hat Luffy! The notoriously inhuman pirate who only has a small crew but has already attracted Man-Demon Gin, Pirate Hunter Kuina and the mysterious Mr. Two, all of them powerful killers! She doesn't see anyone matching the description of a ten foot tall warrior lady but the rest look about right.

As soon as the thought goes through her head she jumps up.

"You're all under ar-" then a rag clamps over her mouth and she inhales a whiff of chloroform. The last thing she hears is: "Oh dear. You should put her back where you found her, Gin-san."

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iv. Loguetown, Mistaken Identity, Act IV

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"Gaaahahahahaha," Bon Clay laughs while twirling. Luffy claps before trying to imitate the okama and ends up on the floor, dizzy. "It's true, they do look a lot alike! In fact, I almost think that it _is_ Miss Kuina! Gaaahahahahah."

"They're _clearly_ not the same person," Kaya sniffs. "It's obvious." She gestures to the unconscious marine.

"Really?" Luffy asks, trying to get a better look. "How do you know?"

"Kuina-san has a mole..." and then Kaya realizes what she is saying and waves it off. "Nevermind."

Gin grumbles as he picks the marine up and goes to put her back.

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iv. Loguetown, Mistaken Identity, Act V

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When Kuina stumbles out of the marine base, healthier and with new stitches and a new respect for the marines because even if Gin is an _awful_ cook, he's better than what they serve here she is unsurprised to discover that Luffy's the new center of attention.

She _is_ surprised when that trickster of a swordsman Cabaji lands on the execution platforms and seals him tight.

"Luffy!" She screams.

He smiles and laughs.

Lightning flashes and the whole thing comes tumbling down. She sighs in relief when Bon-chan starts yelling about the weather and Gin is there, complaining about their food and fresh water supplies.

And then she turns and finds herself looking at her own face.

"You!" They both shout.

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v. Tashigi Versus Kuina

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"You're not bad," Kuina says, leaving her marine double to recover as she sheathes her sword. Her wounds haven't reopened: no matter what Kaya says, she's still an apprentice doctor, not the real deal. The marines who patched her up know what they're doing.

"How can you be so much stronger than me?" The marine yells, frustration lending her voice strength. "Why-"

Kuina taps her on the head with the sheathe of her blade. "Then get stronger," she tells her simply.

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vi. Smoker versus Dragon

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"Why are you helping them?" Smoker growls, mind going through the logistics of capturing the most wanted man in the world. The numbers are not pleasing.

"Why are you trying to stop them?" Dragon asks.

"Because he left my ensign to die in an alleyway!" Smoker roars, trying to get the bastard with his jutte. He misses.

Dragon seems confused though not particularly concerned. "Really?"

"Saw it with my own two eyes," Smoker warns, picking up his weapon. "So it's _personal_."

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vii. Calm Belt

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"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"Gin, stop screaming." Kaya orders, doing her best to row. Kuina's still recovering, Gin's incapacitated by fear and Luffy doesn't seem to be capable of following a rhythm so it's up to her and Bon-chan who's laughing like a loon.

She's not doing very well and her heart complains with each stroke but she's _trying_.

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vii. Laboon, Part I, Eye

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"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

This time no one contradicts the hyperventilating Man-Demon as the rest of the crew watch open-mouthed as their Captain punches the several hundred ton whale in the eye.

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viii. Laboon, Part II, Crocus

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Luffy has disappeared.

No one misses him.

Yet.

"Is this Heaven?" Gin asks.

"I don't think Heaven's a tiny island with a tinier house," Kuina says doubtfully.

"We were swallowed! By a whale! Gaaahahahahaha."

"Oh, those look like medical herb-"

A squid pops out of the sea. Everyone screams and it is just as quickly speared and dragged away. An old man wearing a flower on his head gets out.

"Are you a herbalist?" Kaya asks. "We'd like to buy-"

The remaining Strawhats leap to their feet.

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM?"

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ix. Laboon, Part III, Mr. Nine and Ms. Wednesday

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Luffy and two strange humans go flying through the air. "Save me first," their captain orders as they all fall into gastric juice.

Soon enough they fish out the two oddballs and their captain.

There is a reunion of sorts. Gin and Kuina repeatedly attempt to cave a rubber skull in while the two strangers creep away from the ship's navigator until he jumps right in front them and cheerily waves.

"Mr. Two!" The blue-haired girl and sandy-haired man exclaim.

"Mr. Nine and Ms. Wednesday!" The okama says, spinning gleefully. "Or should I say... Mr. Nine and Princess Nefertari Vivi!"

The Princess' eyes widen and then she yells "PEACOCK SLASHER-" but her odd weapons are already being stopped as Kuina's sword exits its sheathe and Gin blocks with his broken cannonball tonfas. Luffy quirks his head and the question mark is clear on his face.

When Mr. Nine tries to shoot them with a bazooka it is duly confiscated.

"So," the blue-haired princess says, breathing hard, "you're going to kill me now, aren't you?"

"Don't joooke around!" Bon Clay says, twirling. He pauses and then looks down. "I'm here to save you!"

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x. Laboon, Part IV, Promise of a Lifetime

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"So you've had a change of heart and want to help us."

"Exaaaactly!"

The two former Baroque World agents watch Luffy try to manhandle a whale. It is not a pretty sight. Gin's laying odds and Kuina's hand is hovering indecisively over her money pouch. Crocus and Kaya are discussing prices about herbs.

Mr. Nine, sadly, is trussed up like a fish.

"I don't know if I can believe you," Vivi tells him and the okama spins.

"Gaaahhaaahahah. I'll prove it! Just you wait!"

Neither of them notices the Unluckies that Laboon swallows by accident.

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Omake: Unluckies

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Crocus finds a roasted otter and a vulture. It looks like someone attached a bomb to them. The old man sighs: human cruelty truly knows no bounds, does it?


	4. Grand Line! Entered!

What Never Was

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Chapter Four: The Grand Line! Entered!

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i. Whisky Peak, Part I, Night of the Hundred Hunters

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"I don't get it," Luffy says, body round with food. He burps and pats his belly contentedly. "They were so nice to us. How can they be planning to hurt us?" He laughs. "You guys are crazy."

"Stop joooking around!" Nami says. Or Bon-chan-who-looks-like-Nami. The disguise would be perfect if Nami weren't wearing a swan coat with Okama Way written on the back. "This is serious, Captain!"

"Indeed, young sir," the curly-haired old guy says. The duck besides him nods. It is a very interesting duck. Most of them suspect that it is smarter than Luffy by a hundred IQ points. Minimum. "Please listen to Mr. 2-san."

"Yeah, they're already planning-" Vivi starts to say.

Luffy falls asleep.

They all stare at him for a moment but after he begins to snore everyone is quite certain he's not faking it.

Kuina gets up and stretches. She puts on her bandana and smiles. "I think I'm going to take a little walk around town."

Gin staggers to his feet. He is blind, stinking drunk and rubs his mouth with a sleeve. "I think Imma... I think Imma get some... fresh air... too..."

Kaya has her nose buried in a book. Crocus-san told her that she could return them once they made their way around. When Bon Clay and Vivi and Curly-hair guy try to get up she waves them down. "They'll be fine on their own. You can pretend that you were defeated first or something."

Then she sighs. "I wish we could handle this a little more peacefully. It was _very_ good food."

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ii. Whisky Peak, Part II, Sword or Tonfa or Fist

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"KUINA. GIN." Luffy roars.

"Whaaaaat?" Gin asks, drunk and annoyed.

"Luffy!" Kuina says. "Don't worry, we already-"

The rubber fist rockets out and almost catches her off guard. Almost. She knocks it aside and glares daggers at her Captain.

"What are you-"

"WHY DID YOU HURT THESE NICE PEOPLE?"

"Didn't you hear the plan?" Kuina asks, already knowing the answer. She doesn't expect Gin not to follow her lead.

"Pan?" Gin echoes. "Wha puh-lan?"

"Not helping," Kuina mutters.

"YOUUU UNGRATEFUL BAAASTARDS." Luffy roars.

Then she grins. She's always wanted to know who was the strongest of the three of them.

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iii. Whisky Peak, Part III, Mr. Five and Miss Valentine and the Strongest Strawhat

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"Did you hear something?" Kuina asks.

"Buh-wuh?"

"GOMU GOMU BAZOO-" Luffy roars.

They both dodge in opposite directions.

"-KA!" Stone and wood goes flying.

"Oh, sorry, thought I hit something. Must have been my imagination."

"Yeah," Gin agrees placidly.

Unexpectedly, Kaya puts an end to the fight. She contemplates the unconscious bodies.

"Oh dear," the doctor says through her gas mask, "I may have concentrated it a bit too much."

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iv. Whisky Peak, Part IV, Ms. All-Sunday

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"So you used a substitute-" the lady pauses as swan shoes, a sword, a slingshot with poisonous pellets, peacock slashers and broken tonfas are disarmed by hands that spring from the ground. When all is done she continues, gazing curiously at the redhead.

"Mr. Two? I did not expect to see you here. According to the reports you were eaten. By a shark."

"Gaaahahahahaha." Bon Clay shifts back to his normal form. "An okama needs to be strong!" He gets to his feet sans shoes and strikes a pose.

The lady in the cowboy hat sighs. "This is terribly vexing. And the Unluckies are missing too. Should I kill you all and be done with it?"

Everyone tenses.

"I know your secret, Ms. All-Sunday!" The okama crows. "Nami-neesama has shown me the truth! Mr. 0 lied! He's not going to make a second utopia for okamas!"

Ms. All-Sunday blinks. "Is that what he told you?"

"Gaaahahahahaha. Why else would I dirty my hands?"

("How would Nami-san know something like that?" Kaya wonders.

"She's a very persuasive liar." Kuina replies, nodding. "Even when she's telling the truth.")

Ms. All-Sunday shakes her head. "Well, I suppose then that explanations are unnecessary." She holds up a log pose. "Want-"

Bon Clay scoffs. "Even _I_ know that trap."

"What if it isn't? You do remember Little Garden, do you not?"

Bon Clay sweatdrops. Luffy takes the matter out of their hands by stamping his foot down. "No! We refuse! You're a bad person!"

Ms. All-Sunday chuckles softly.

"Two pieces of advice then. Firstly, you've been replaced, Mr. Two. Secondly... well no, nevermind. Perhaps it'll be best if you see for yourself."

"Farewell, brave pirates, princess." She hops from the Going Merry onto a turtle. "Let's go, Bunji."

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v. Little Garden, Part I, Provisions

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"MEEEAT." Luffy roars and starts rampaging after ancient animals.

Everyone else looks up, awestruck at the size of the forest.

"Ho, this is a problem." Bon Clay notes, fiddling with the Log Pose. "It really does look like it'll take a year to set."

"We don't have a year!" Vivi exclaims.

"Things come to those who wait," Kaya says wisely.

"What does that even _mean?_" Kuina asks. The doctor shrugs her shoulders and Kuina's arms droop. "I'm going to help Luffy," she mutters, jumping off the boat.

Gin clambers down. "Me too. It's one thing to go hungry because of a stupid marine locking you up, it's something else entirely to go hungry because no one can keep that brat out of the fridge."

"It would be nice to have more than soup to eat," Vivi admits.

"I'm not a cook!" Gin exclaims, as he wanders off. "And how come none of you can cook either?"

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vi. Little Garden, Part II, Broggy

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"Please, have some food!" The giant offers.

Vivi and Bon Clay clutch each other, petrified. Kaya waves to him. Carue is nowhere to be found.

"Gabababababa," the giant laughs. "You need not be so scared little humans! That girl is putting you all to shame! Gababababababaa." Then he pauses and whispers: "Would you happen to have some rum?"

"We do!" Kaya says. "Will you share your fire?"

"Gabababababa," the giant laughs. "Of course!"

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vii. Little Garden, Part II, Dorry

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"...and then, it's like, I'm old but I'm a pirate, you know? I've been murdering and thieving for my entire life! And then bam! Outta nowhere these kids come and they're just as good and aren't scared of nothing. Do you think I messed up somewhere, giant?"

Gin realizes he still might be slightly drunk. His tolerance for alcohol has waned in his old age. And he feels old. Twenty-seven might not be much but among the kids he's fairly certain he's a decade older than some.

Except for the okama who has a timeless quality to his face and is somewhere between eighteen and fifty.

"Indeed," Dorry rumbles. "Yours is an interesting problem. What you need is to live and fight with honor! Then your doubts and worries will disappear!"

Gin points a slab of meat at the giant. "Honor? We're pirates!"

"But we can live with honor regardless," the giant tells him.

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viii. Little Garden, Part III, A Wax House

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"AHHHHH! It's them! They've found us!"

"Who the hell are you?" Kuina asks, eye ticking. Luffy has managed to get three tons of meet more than her! She can't be stopped by such petty people. Then she's forced to split a booger.

It explodes. What the heck.

"Ohey, Kuina. Whatcha doing?"

"Splitting boogers," she responds, looking at her sword in vexation. She points her meitou at the bastard. "Don't shoot that again-" she sidesteps a falling girl who makes an impressive crater.

"Shishishishi," Luffy laughs. "Really?"

"Really. Now can you give me a hand?"

He puts a finger to his lip. "But I wanna know what's inside the house."

"You-" she says, but then it's a moot point because the wax house swallows him whole.

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viii. Little Garden, Part IV, Candlelight

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"How did you get trapped?" Kuina asks Gin who is looking extraordinarily bloody. The wax cake is slowly freezing their limbs but it's taking long enough for them to have a conversation. Kuina is currently contemplating chopping off her legs.

"Someone spiked the rum."

"How do you spike -"

"With bombs."

"Oh."

"You?"

"I didn't want to dirty my precious Wado Ichimonji cutting boogers." She sighs. "So I tried deflecting them with leaves."

"But-"

"The boogers exploded."

"Oh."

There is a comfortable silence.

"Chances that Kaya or the okama will save us?"

They leave unsaid the chances of Luffy managing to beat a hypnotist that uses paint and a wax man. He'll win but it'll be _slowly_.

Kuina contemplates chopping off her legs.

Nah.

"Maybe the new girl," Gin mutters. "We don't know what she can do."

"She's weak," Kuina dismisses. "The duck has a better chance of saving us."

Another pause.

"Wanna bet on it?"

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ix. Little Garden, Part V, Victory

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"Guys!" Kaya pauses, examining the fire suspiciously. Kuina and Gin are in a deep and furious battle. Carue and Vivi are trying to separate them, albeit without much success. She turns to the only one not currently involved in battle.

He tosses a beetle at her. It bites her wrist and she shakes it off.

"Luffy-san, what's going on?"

The Captain scribbles in the dirt with a finger. "Carue and Vivi saved them." He sniffles. "Not me. They're _my_ nakama. _I_'m supposed to save them."

Kaya sweatdrops before patting his head. "I'm sure that you contributed, right?"

He brightens up. "I _did_ beat up the stupid wax guy." He grins. "And now we have meat! TONS of meat. And a fire! Guys! GUYS! Let's have a party!"

Kaya decides to ignore Kuina and Gin who are arguing over the exact wording of a bet or something.

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x. Double Agent = FAILURE

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"Gaaahahahaha! Don't worry, Mr. 0! The kids are all dead! Gaaaahhaaahahahaha!"

"...Mr.2?"

"STOP JOOOKING AROUND!"

The other ends hangs up.

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xi. Little Garden, Part VI, Farewell

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"Think of my words, ," one of the giants rumbles.

"Thanks for the rum!" Another laughs. "Even if it was sabotaged! Gabababababa!"

"I found an eternal pose in Mr. Three's house!" Bon Clay exclaims. "Let's go!"

"Trust us!" The giants boom together. "We'll get you through!"

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Omake: Food Supply

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"NO, LUFFY, WE'RE NOT GOING BACK."

"But I'm huuuuungry..."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU KEEP ON EATING ALL THE DAMN FOOD."

On the Baratie, a sous-chef chef briefly thinks that he should be somewhere else. Then he dismisses the thought and goes back to peeling potatoes.


	5. Interlude

What Never Was

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Chapter Five: Interlude

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i. Navigation

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"Bon-chan"

"Yes, Luffy-san?"

"Why isn't Merry moving?"

"Because we're stuck on a calm front, Luffy-san."

"Oh."

"..."

"Bon-chan?"

"Yes, Luffy-san?"

"Why isn't-"

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ii. Spar

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"You're crazy! Wounds like that don't heal after a few days rest! And you got hurt again fighting the exploding booger man." Gin says, but regardless of his words he's circling the girl warily, hands on his tonfas. They're not quite repaired yet, but that just makes him faster.

Kuina rolls her eyes. Kaya's been getting _loads_ better with her doctoring. "I'm fine." She smiles as she slowly removes her katana from its sheathe. "You up to the challenge, old man?"

Gin paces. His aura has shifted since Little Garden.

"Any time, crazy lady."

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iii. Two Princesses

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The knock on the cabin's door is tentative.

"Um... Kaya-san?"

"Your Highness!" Kaya yelps. Then she climbs out of the sick bed, tugs her sleeve down to cover her wrist, puts away the wet compress, bookmarks her page and goes to the door and takes a deep breath. "Please come in."

She might not have been the healthiest child, but of them all her social circle is closest to Vivi's. She curtsies and goes through all the necessary motions that tutors taught her since before she could stand.

Vivi seems flustered at the attention. "We're comrades, Kaya-san. There's no need for the…"

"Spectacle?" Kaya offers.

"Spectacle," Vivi nods. The princess toys with her fingers, lacing and unlacing them unconsciously. "Kaya-san…"

"Yes, your high…" at the half-glare, Kaya changes tactics. "Yes, Vivi-san?"

"Why… why are you doing this?" Vivi finally asks.

Kaya blinks and tries to digest the question as skillfully as she can. "Me alone? Or everyone?"

"No… all… all of you." Pause. "You don't ask for gold or… maybe… one of you wanted… I'm not sure… you're the doctor and…"

Kaya bops the princess on the nose. Goodness knows where she got _that_ idea. "It might sound silly, but we're here for the same reason Luffy's here. Adventure. Freedom. And the freedom to choose to help."

"Oh." The blue-haired princess says. Her voice is small. She sounds humbled. "Really?"

"Really."

And then Kaya admits, because they're a crazy, happy family but not big on common sense: "They're planning to use Carue as bait."

Kaya watches as the relevant thoughts connect and then Vivi leaps up, eyes wide. "CARUE!" She screeches and runs out.

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iv. Gone Fishing

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"I _think_ it might be edible," Gin muses, looking at… whatever the hell it is.

"Its _teeth_ have tentacles," Kuina mutters, poking into its gaping maw. "How does that even _work_?"

"MEEEEEAT." Luffy says and looks for all the world like he'll eat it raw. "Gin, quickly, cook it!"

The okama twirls. "Gaaaahahahaha. Fishing : success!"

None of them notice Vivi free Carue from his ropey prison. They _do_ notice when Carue bursts out of his restraints and tosses them all overboard with an angry quack.

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v. Pirate Flag

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"I'm not an artist!" Gin says hotly, paintbrush waving.

Luffy pats Gin on the shoulder. "Shishishi. It looks great!"

"It looks like something went and died," Kuina opines.

"I think it's cute," Kaya says.

They all turn to Vivi who evidences years of diplomatic training by smiling and nodding regally at all of them before making her escape.

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vi. Omake: Meeting

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"I met some interesting-" Mihawk begins to say.

But then Yasopp's kid interrupts the two of them by snatching the wanted poster away. Disbelievingly, the young man says: "_Kaya?_"

And there's no mistaking the back of her head on Luffy's smiling wanted poster.


	6. Onwards! To Alabasta!

What Never Was

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Chapter Six: Onwards! To Alabasta!

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i. Sick.

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"You can't get sick!" Luffy exclaims hotly. "You're our doctor!"

Kaya tries to smile. "I think... I... just had... too... much... excitement... I'll be... fine."

Luffy frowns and puts his head to hers.

"Naah," Luffy says after a moment of intense concentration, "you're definitely sick."

"It's the change in weather," Vivi says authoritatively although her intense expression is conflicted. "With all the changes in weather, your body can easily fall prey to viruses and bacteria that thrive in different temperatures."

"I'm just... tired..."

"Kaya-san!" Bon Clay cries, tears dribbling down his face as he bites his hat swan hat. "It's all because I'm such a poor navigator! If I had Nami-neesan's skills-"

"You're a good navigator, Bon-chan," Kaya says, giving him a tired pat on the shoulder. "You just need more confidence."

"Kaya-san is too kind!" Bon-chan cries, blubbering all the more.

"We need... to get to... Alabasta..." Kaya says softly. "I don't need... a... doctor..."

When she passes out, everyone panics.

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ii. A Hungry King

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"He tried to eat my sword!" Kuina exclaims in disgust.

"He ate poor Merry!" Bon-chan cries.

"My cannonball tonfas," Gin says, staring at the handles, "aren't even tonfas anymore."

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iii. Drum Island, Part I, Scaling the mountain

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Kaya whimpers as Luffy falls and the Captain stabs wildly at the sheer, frozen rock before stabilizing, fingers almost exploding in blood.

Luffy breathes a sigh of relief although he's careful not to drop Bon-chan either.

Then an idea occurs to him.

Moments later, Bon Clay's feet are cold but the swans make for excellent ice picks and Luffy makes it up in record time.

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iv. Drum Island, Part II, Witch

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"Idiot girl," Dr. Kureha says, tucking the covers around her patient more closely. She shakes her head. "That was the stupidest hack cure I've ever seen."

Kaya blinks and coughs as she wakes. "Where- where-?"

"You used a poison to counteract the poison from the Casha insect, huh?"

"Who-"

"Ah yes. I'm Dr. Kureha. Hundred and forty-one years old and all that rot." A hand that's _definitely_ not a hundred and forty-one grabs her chin and tilts it up. "Look at me in the eye, girl. Your friends say you're a doctor. Are you?"

"I-I-"

"You used a poison to counteract the Casha insect's poison, right?"

Kaya's hand automatically goes to her wrist but then pauses. It's no use.

"Innovative but foolish," Dr. Kureha says, shaking her head. "You used a shade too much, child. You would have recovered eventually but it's a good thing they got you to me anyway."

Kaya doesn't know what to say. She feel like she's been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "I'm sorry?" She says meekly.

The old doctor snorts. "'Sorry', she says. 'Sorry', she says! What if it had been one of your friends that had been bitten? Would you have tried the same dosage?"

"Of course not!" Kaya says, alarmed. "I would have gotten them to see a real-"

Her voice trails off.

"And that's the size of it." Dr. Kureha sighs. "You're not a doctor. You're barely an apprentice. My fool of a child is a million times better than you. You should thank him, he's the one that cured you. _Pro bono_ and all that." She shakes her head. "But that's not the real problem here. Or, rather, that's not the most important problem. Hack cure or not, you would have died in three days."

She points to Kaya's chest. "There."

Kaya puts her arms over her chest defiantly. "I know my limits."

"Since you're having this conversation with _me_, Mrs. Quack, you clearly _don't_." More softly: "Have you told them?"

"I can make my own decisions-"

Dr. Kureha grabs her by the chin and jerks her up so that she's staring straight into old wise eyes. "_Not_ when you're the doctor, girl. If you won't be responsible about your own health, how can you be responsible for theirs? You're testing remedies on yourself! Hacking away at your own life every time you go for a walk – and you've been doing much more than just walking, recently, haven't you?"

Kaya doesn't cry. "I – I'll learn! I'll practice! I'll-"

"That's not enough. _Not_ when you're the doctor. First, _do no harm_. That _includes_ yourself. It is one thing to test remedies when there is no other option, another thing entirely to do the stupid, _prideful_ thing and assume your talent can save you. You have talent. From what your friends have told me you could well grow up to be the best doctor in the world. However, right now, you are _not_. You should have _known _that you needed rest. Your friends are under some delusion that you told them not to get you help!"

Kaya puts her head into her hands and takes a deep calming breath. Then she looks up.

"We... it was... it _is_ an emergency." She stares defiantly at the old doctor. "Thank you, but we _have_ to go."

Dr. Kureha looks oddly discomfited for a moment. Then she gives a light kiss to Kaya's forehead, like some sort of benediction. "Then you had best get well soon, child. Patients only leave my care in two ways."

"Recovered. Or dead."

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v. Drum Island, Part III, The Reindeer Doctor

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"He... hello? Are you the one that cured me? Thank you-"

"You punk! I don't care about any gratitude from humans! "

Kaya pauses uncertainly. The body language and actual language do not match up at all. "Thank you," she says again.

Then she gets to her knees on the bed and kowtows. "Please, Doctor-san, teach me."

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vi. Drum Island, Entr'acte, Twin Luffys

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"COME BAAACK MEEEEAT." Luffy shouts.

"Gaaahahahaha! That's right! COME BAAACK." The other Luffy says, twirling.

"Gyaaaah! Stay away from me you freaks!"

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vii. Drum Island, Entr'acte, Crazy Training

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"DO YOU WANNA DIE?" Gin explodes. He's spent the last ten minutes looking for Kuina, fearing that her wounds re-opened and she's bleeding to death somewhere.

He found her trying to swim.

"Th-this-is-is-n-n-nothing-" Kuina says, teeth chattering.

"YOU CAN'T SWIM IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER!" Gin roars, climbing down onto the ice. He slips and falls on his face and gets up carefully. "IDIOT! CRAZY! DEVIL GIRL!"

"M-m-mind-over-m-m-matter-"

"'Man-Demon' Gin, they called me." He sighs, throwing out a rope. "Right now they'd call me 'Baby-Sitter' Gin."

"D-d-d-don't need... b-b-baby-si-si-"

"Ah, shaddup."

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viii. Drum Island, Entr'acte, Dalton

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"Dalton-san? Are you okay?" Vivi asks.

"Forgive me... I was the one... who drove away... all the doctors... in this... country..."

"Dalton-san? Dalton-san!"

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ix. Drum Island, Part IV, Teacher

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"What fool idea have you put into his head?" Dr. Kureha demands.

Kaya smiles sunnily. "I asked him to teach me!"

"That does not explain why he wishes to be a pirate!"

Kaya is surprised. Chopper-san has repeatedly said he does _not_ wish to be a pirate. Then again, Dr. Kureha probably knows him much better than Kaya does and it is true that the young reindeer does not seem to say what is in his heart.

"I invited him along. Because of the emergency and all that." She pauses. There probably is a rule about stealing apprentices. "Should I have asked you first?"

"Ha! No. It will be good for him to go out and see more than this dreary, snow-covered island." The old lady shrugs. "He has taken to you."

Kaya shrugs back. "He must be very lonely."

_Don't you want to see the world?_

_Don-don't be stupid! Aren't you scared of me? _

_Reindeer Doctor-san must know about my heart condition, right? So I can't get so excited about such a small thing as that!_

_Ah! That's right! You need to rest!_

"Well, he'll make you a real doctor, don't you worry about that. Taught him myself."

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x. Drum Island, Part V, Friend

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"He called me a friend." Chopper says, watching Luffy blast away a king.

Dr. Kureha pats Chopper on the back.

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xi. Towards Alabasta! Part I, Ms. New Year

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"We caught a human!"

"A human?"

The human stands and starts chewing floorboards. "Huuuungry-"

"You can't-" and before their astonished eyes, Kuina shrinks. "Hey!" The swordswoman complains, but her voice is childish and her katana suddenly looks ridiculously huge as she waves it about. "Stop that!"

The stranger easily avoids Bon Clay's attack and then he shrinks as well.

"Feed me," the stranger pouts. "Or everyone gets the same!"

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xii. Towards Alabasta, Part II, Ms. New Year

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"Huh," Ms. New Year mutters to herself as she waves good-bye to the unsurprisingly terrible food. She actually had to go and prepare it _herself_. Their 'cook' (if such a sorry excuse for a man could be called a cook) is _horrible_.

"Didn't I have something to do here?" She wonders to herself. The millions say nothing, intimidated by her bounty and her fearsome reputation.

Then she burps.

"Oh well."

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Omake. Ms. New Year's Job

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"I'm sorry, but you all failed or something."

"Please, we can still-" Mr. Three starts to say. Ms. New Year shrinks him to the size of a toddler and his wax body is impressive but not _that_ impressive anymore and she throws him onto the ship. She does the same with the other agents.

Then she pauses.

"Where the heck's Mr. Two?"

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Author's Notes: For the five or six of you reading this fic, a bunch of you are apparently skipping chapters 3 and 4. Or re-reading chapter 5 a few times.


	7. Alabasta at last! Part One, Reunions

What Never Was

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Chapter Seven: Alabasta at last! Part One, Reunions

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i. Nanohana, Part I, Desert Strawberry

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"Sir!" The restaurant owner says. There are plates stacked upon plates due to the presence of two voraciously hungry young men. One of them, whitebeard crest proudly tattooed upon his back, has just keeled over.

"Yes?" The young man who's still among the living asks, shovelling food into his mouth. His top hat, oddly enough, has goggles on it.

"Sir," the restaurant owner repeats, wiping away a bead of perspiration, "your friend – he's dead!"

The young man with the top hat pauses and looks Ace over. Pokes the pirate a few times. "Naaaah," he says, laughing. "That's just my brother. Runs in his side of the family."

Everyone pauses to ponder how that exactly is _possible_.

The mysterious young man holds out a bowl. "More please!"

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ii. Nanohana, Part II, Family Tradition

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Smoker is the first to arrive on the scene. "You!" He says to the two men, taking out his jutte. "How-"

He's interrupted by a human rocket yelling: "FOOD!" and, embarrassingly, is caught off guard. He and Ace go through a wall in a tangle of limbs. Luffy sits down and happily orders a meal.

"You..." the restaurant owner says, "you just-"

"FOOD!" Luffy exclaims and the restaurant owner gives up and gets him a bowl. The Straw Hat captain begins eating immediately.

"Luffy! You've grown!" The man in the top-hat exclaims jovially.

"Mmmf-burrf-" and then, because one of the few things in the world that will make Luffy stop eating appears, he opens his mouth in shock, spewing half-eaten noodles and meat all over the place. "_Sabo?_"

Sabo continues eating. "Heya Luffy!"

"Sabo-" Luffy tears up and he continues eating too, spraying half-eaten lumps everywhere as he continues talking. "I've _missed_ you-"

"I've missed you too, squirt."

"Sabo," Ace says, face popping into the hole, "lookit, Luffy's here-"

"STRAW HAT!" Smoker roars.

As everyone makes a hasty exit, the restaurant owner realizes something.

"HEEEY! EAT AND RUN!"

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iii. Nanohana, Part III, Showdown

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"We were just about to have a family reunion!" Ace says, watching Luffy flee out of the corner of his eye. "Can't you hold off on your justicing for like, thirty seconds?"

"That little bastard ripped my ensign to _shreds_-" Smoker says darkly, stabbing forward with his jutte. He's overmatched but doesn't give a damn. No rising star of the revolutionaries _or_ the Whitebeard pirates are gonna get in his way.

"He probably deserved it then," Sabo suggests, twirling his staff, eyes laughing.

"_She_," Smoker says, the alley sudden a whitewash of smoke and flame, "did _not_."

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iv. Nanohana, Part IV, Reunion

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"What's this that you're going on beating up innocent little girls?" Sabo says, ruffling Luffy's hair.

"What?" Luffy says, affronted as he tries to steal his hat back from a laughing Ace. "I did _not_. I only hit people who deserve it!"

"Man, your crew has the gender ratio _backwards_," Ace exclaims as he dances, hat just out of Luffy's grasping reach. Everyone else is boggling at the fact that Luffy's brothers are _that_ Ace and _that_ Sabo. "You're hogging all the beauties!"

Bon Clay who is wearing Nami's face sighs dreamily as Gin restrains Kuina from going apeshit on one of _Whitebeard_'s division commanders.

Ace wipes away an imaginary tear. "Our little bro. All grown up."

"Don't make fun of them because they're girls!" Luffy says hotly. He's not sure if Ace is making fun of his nakama but it's a fair guess. Ace is _always_ making fun of him."They're my nakama!"

"They most definitely are," Sabo says, always the peacemaker, staff twirling out to catch the straw hat from Ace's grasp and place it back on Luffy's head.

"Well, I've got stuff to do," Ace says after realizing that the swordswoman is exuding a dangerously murderous aura. "Chasing down criminals and all that."

"I'm looking for an archaeologist myself," Sabo says. He bows to the assembled crew. "Thanks for taking care of our little bro. He's quite the handful, I'm sure."

"Oh! Hey, before I forget-" Ace says, taking out a piece of paper. "Here!"

Luffy catches it and stares at it quizzically.

"I'd give you mine," Sabo laughs, "but Revolutionaries don't like anyone having a bead on where we are." He shrugs helplessly. The two brothers jump off the Going Merry and land on their respective skiffs. "Be seeing you guys!"

"Take care of our bro," Ace yells.

The marines that tried to catch them are taken down in due form.

Luffy waves wildly at their departing backs.

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iv.5. Conversation

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"Dude," Sabo says, in the language known to young men everywhere. Cannonballs pace him but he bats them away with a twirl of his staff, his skiff running on nothing more than his knowledge of the waves and an occasional push.

Ace gargles as he blows up a marine ship, _his_ skiff powered by his devil fruit abilities. "_Sabo-_"

"You totally put your foot in your mouth there," Sabo laughs. "Whitebeard's big on sons, maybe you should-"

"Oi, don't speak about the old man like that! We've got sisters too!" Ace considers that. "Less," he admits. "A lot less."

Sabo laughs again. "You're still crushing on Makino, arentcha? And that little swordslady looks _just_ like her. Here you wanted to be the cool older bro and you just end up-"

"ARRGH. Shut up shut up shut up!"

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v. Discussion

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"Man, Luffy's brothers are such-" Kuina starts to say.

"Hunks?" Bon Clay offers, still looking dreamy.

"Please don't wear Nami's face when you make that expression, okama," Gin growls. "It's disturbing."

"That's because in your heart you secretly desire-"

Kuina ignores the interruption. "-boys! Now I understand how Luffy can be so scatter-brained."

"I don't know," Kaya says softly, watching the two legends leave, marine vessels a smoking ruin in their wake. "They seem like a very happy family to me." She sighs wistfully.

Vivi is deep in thought. "Sabo of the Revolutionaries... but could this mean that the Revolutionaries are planning to take down Alabasta? But this means that Crocodile is working with-"

Luffy, who's still waving, hears Vivi and turns. He waves off her concern. "Naaah. You're Dad's the good guy, right? Sabo wouldn't do that. He's probably looking for that archa-ma-ologist-thingy."

"Archaeologist," Chopper corrects. Then the young reindeer says: "I didn't know you had brothers!"

"Shishishishi," Luffy laughs, "I didn't know either! I thought Sabo was dead!"

"...WHAT?"

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vi. Carue

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"CONSERVE YOUR WATER YOU STUPID DUCK!"

Carue quacks something back that's no doubt offensive as he makes a run for the palace.

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vii. Trek through the desert to Yuba

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Walking through the desert is tiring work. Not even a mile out and disaster strikes.

"Kaya and Chopper have fainted!" Vivi reports.

"Stop joooooking around!"

"Damn okama, stop spinning! How are you even able to _do_ that, in this heat?" Gin complains as he lugs the baggage across the desert. After the first few hours he's stopped complaining that he's not a bellhop.

"Can't... stand... the heat..." Chopper says pitifully.

Kaya wobbles to her feet but collapses again anyway. Kuina catches her arm and then tugs the blonde over her back.

"How come our doctors keep on getting sick?" Luffy moans as he carries Chopper on his.

"Think- huff – of this – huff – as training!" Kuina exclaims.

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viii. Thieving Birds

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"Oho," Gin says, rolling up his sleeves. "You wanna steal from _this_ pirate, huh?"

The birds all back off.

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ix. Camel

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A little after they've met the wannabe thieves they run across a camel. Fortunately, Chopper can apparently communicate with animals. No one has any sudden epiphanies about the sentience of animals.

"So he says he's a passing camel."

Chopper nods.

"Who's only willing to carry women."

Chopper nods again.

Everyone looks to Kaya.

"Well, that's... convenient," Gin mutters.

"I think it's a pervert," Kuina says.

"Emergency food," Luffy says firmly and that is that.

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x. Stolen

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Dusk falls before Gin realizes that his load has been getting lighter and lighter rather than him getting stronger and stronger. After an impromptu stop and telltale stains and crumbs, everyone comes to the same conclusion.

"YOU ATE ALL OUR SUPPLIES?"

Luffy coughs delicately into his hand and looks away. "N-n-no- and the water is still-"

There is a group effort to strangle Luffy.

Fortunately some lurking sand monster rises and is just as quickly put down, roasted and preserved.

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xi. Yuba, Part I, Toto

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"Vivi… Princess Vivi…" the old man sobs. "Please... stop them. Stop the Rebellion."

"We will," Vivi promises, gripping the old man's hands tightly. "We definitely will."

Gin sighs. "Spare us the sob fest -"

Kaya shushes him.

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xii. Yuba, Part II, Vivi versus Luffy

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"YOU JUST WANT EVERYONE TO SURVIVE!" Luffy screams, punching the princess.

"SO WHAT IF I DO?" Vivi yells, punching back. And then they're a tangle of flailing limbs.

Kaya tries to stagger forward to pull them apart but Kuina blocks her with the sheathe of her sword and shakes her head. Bon Clay has tears streaming down his face but doesn't move to interfere.

Gin snorts.

"Why aren't you guys doing anything?" Chopper wails. "I thought we were all friends!"

"We're _pirates_," Gin corrects. "Our little princess is living in a bubble. Captain's gotta make the rule of pirating clear."

"What's… what's the rule of pirating?"

Gin sighs and looks to the sky.

"Be prepared to die."

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xiii. Yuba, Part III, End

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The fight between Vivi and Luffy is over.

"Guys," Luffy says, "let's go beat up crocodile."

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Omake. Meeting

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"Y-you! You're our boss?" Ms. Doublefinger asks, shocked.

Crocodile smiles, lit cigarillo in his mouth. "Got a problem with that?"

"No, but why would a government-backed-"

"I don't care about the World Government. What I need is a military force."

Ms. New Year is looking like she'll bolt and Mr. 0 smiles grimly. "You failed your task, Ms. New Year."

"I-I-I-"

"This isn't World Government Business. The only reason I'm letting you live is because of your strength and because you completed the other half of your job." He stubs the cigar in an ashtray and waves to the four agents caught inside the seastone cage. It's necessary: four of them are fruit users, after all. All but Ms. Goldenweek look as if they've been mummified. Only their desperate gestures reveal that, horrifically, they still live.

No one thinks it's pity that moves Crocodile to spare the little painter.

"Th-th-thank you-" Ms. New Year stutters.

"One more failure and you die." Crocodile warns. Ms. All-Sunday snorts causing him to glare at her but she shrugs her shoulders and he rolls his eyes before getting back to the task at hand. "Now, ladies and gentlemen. What you've all been working towards is almost here. However... there's been a... complication..."

He tosses down a photo that makes it to the middle of the table. "This is the former Mr. Two." The assembled Numbers take a good look. "Ms. New Year was supposed to detain him alongside," he tosses out another photo, "Princess Nefetari Vivi. Together, they have the power to put a halt to our entire operation. They are being aided – supposedly – by a Straw Hat Luffy." A wanted poster to the tune of thirty million accompanies the photos. "He's being accompanied by a swordswoman that Mr. Six was sent out to recruit and a 'Man-Demon' Gin."

"The princess must not make contact with the rebels. , of course, must die."

"You have your orders."

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Author's Notes: It's a rule that big brothers exist to tease their younger brothers. Even if their younger brother is _that_ Ace. Trufax.


	8. AAL! Part Two, Challenging the Top

Author's Notes: At one point you realize that drabbles aren't going to cut it anymore because the stations of canon are liable to get the reader more confused than less. Actually according to a review, it's confusing anyway.

So, originally scheduled for Valentine's Day but now a day late you guys get a non-drabbly chapter.

If you're still confused, well, I can at least say I've tried.

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What Never Was

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Chapter Eight: Alabasta at Last! Part Two, Challenging the Top

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At first Rainbase appeared much like far off mirage, jutting spires shining a mix of red and lightly golden hues as torchlight sparkled off reflective surfaces. As it got closer, they began to make out finer and finer details: a network of crisscrossing streets, a dominating pyramid with some sort of animal on top and so on. True, the view might have been more spectacular during the day but the Straw Hats preferred trekking through the surprisingly chilly desert night, Kaya sitting on Eyelash's rump while the rest panted and complained and threatened Crocodile at various intervals as they made their way from Yuba to Rainbase on foot and camel.

Well most either threatened or complained.

Gin grimaced. They were all going to die and the damn okama was singing.

_"Crocodile-chan! Crocodile-chan!_

_He's the worst, he's accursed he's a very bad man!_

_Crocodile-chan! Crocodile-chan!_

_He's a meanie, he's a weenie-"_

"Oh shut up!" Gin muttered tiredly. He was answered by a predictable: "Gaaahahahahaha!" before Bon Clay resumed his incessant singing and twirling.

"Shishishishi," Luffy laughed and to Gin's dismay joined in. After a moment, the doctors joined in too, one weak but melodious voice, the other deeply enthusiastic and apparently unable to find a proper rhythm.

Then Kuina of all people added her own voice.

"Oh gods no," the man muttered in despair. "Why didn't you just leave me to die on the Baratie like a good pirate? I was prepared, I was-"

Vivi patted him on the shoulder. Being a former wharf rat it should have felt condescending coming from a damn noble but even he realized she was a good kid – hell, they were all good kids – and at the moment, the only sane person apart from himself so he allowed the intrusive presence.

"You should join them, Mr. Gin!" Vivi told him brightly and then, horror upon horror, joined in herself like she were nothing more than a street busker.

Gin groaned.

_"He's a meanie, he's a weenie, he's a very bad man!_

_Crocodile-chan! Crocodile-chan!_

_He pretends he's a hero but he's really Mr. Zero!_

_Crocodile-chan! Crocodile-chan!"_

Oh screw it all.

He joined in.

And so the Straw Hats sang their way to Rainbase.

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"I see a town," Luffy panted, tongue lolling down in front of him. They had all collectively exhausted what little moisture they had in their mouths as they sang their way through the desert. Chopper complained that he had sand 'upf his nowse'.

"That's Rainbase," Vivi confirmed grimly. The rest of the Straw Hats took in the sprawling, shining city. In the light of dawn, the towering golden pyramids, the fountains and, incredibly enough, a moat look less like something glamorous and more like something criminally wasteful.

Luffy took in a deep breath before letting out an explosive shout. "CROCODILE! I'M COMING FOR YOU!"

It should have been a dramatic moment. Unfortunately, there was an unexpected thud and everyone looked back.

"Ah!" Chopper screamed. "Kaya fainted again! Help! We need a doctor!"

Gin slapped the young doctor on the back of the head.

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Kaya woke up all at once, the sort of waking one does having not expected to sleep in the first place.

Light filtered through an unfamiliar window and she threw off light covers and then wobbled to her feet, wet compress falling from head to the ground and she nearly followed it a moment later. A huge furry hand carefully guided her back to the bed and replaced the wet rag.

"You need to rest, Kaya-san."

It took her a moment to realize what must have happened.

"I'm so sorry," Kaya said, heart racing. She cursed her own weakness. "I'm really, really sorry." She repeated, turning to Chopper who was in his human form, blue nose poking out from beneath his cloak. He'd already adapted to the climate. The others had clearly already left them... wherever this was. Hotel? Hospital? She shook her head wearily: she was slowing them down. They couldn't afford that.

"Leave me here." She told him. She'd make her way back. Somehow.

"Huh?" Chopper said, blinking in confusion.

"Leave me here-" Kaya repeated firmly.

"What – but - we're friends!" Chopper said crossly. Then he took out a book that he'd stuffed into his pack. "We're all in this together."

Then he shrugged his shoulders. "Besides, they only rent by the hour and Bon Clay said he'd meet up with us again by then." Kaya tried to figure out why a hotel would rent by the hour and came up blank. Maybe it was an Alabastan thing. "In the meantime," Chopper began timidly, "if you're not too tired, I think we should study-"

Kaya smiled wanly. "You're a good person, Chopper-san."

"H-hey!" The reindeer blushed, turning into a little ball of mush and goo. "Those compliments don't make me happy!"

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After Kaya had been safely attended to in that weird hotel, Luffy and company happily went to get water from a nearby bar.

It just happened to be frequented by two people that they would really rather not see and sadly failed to notice. Not because they were singing anti-Crocodile songs and had to beat off a bunch of suspicious people with a proverbial stick. No, it was just because they were thirsty and not paying attention. If they had been on their guard they would have totally gone to a different bar.

Really.

Okay, with the way Luffy was acting, maybe not.

So when they sat down and ordered their drinks, it was Tashigi, of all people, who jumped up first.

"YOU!" The bespectacled swordswoman roared, hand on her weapon.

It took a good moment for Kuina to realize that she had been spoken to. "...oh, it's you," Kuina acknowledged. She then turned back to the person manning the bar. "One glass of water, please," she ordered politely.

In retrospect, not her most intelligent move ever. Worthy opponents deserved respect.

But... weirdly enough, Tashigi just reminded her so much of another earnest, green-haired swordsman.

Gin and Bon Clay were already drinking in great mouthfuls of precious water. Vivi was sipping hers rather more graciously but with no less avidity. Luffy, on the other hand, was banging on the counter for a barrel of water and his order was taking a bit more time.

Tashigi slid her sword out of its sheathe and Kuina's blade automatically leaped to parry the blow.

"What the-" Smoker began to say, then: "STRAW HAT."

Luffy blinked. Kuina could see the gears whirling in his head and almost heard the 'ding!' that went along with comprehension. "GYAAAAH! SMOKEY'S HERE. GUYS, WE GOTTA RUN!"

Kuina was about to question that statement when Luffy took the option away by clotheslining everyone with an outstretched arm and bursting out into the street.

She understood a moment later when smoke poured out of the bar and the man appeared, looking like some sort of vengeful apparition.

They made eye contact and Smoker all but facefaulted.

He yelled something but Kuina was already sprinting away.

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Smoker thought himself a reasonable man.

He didn't go off half-cocked on adventures like the stories said, he merely had his own sense and style of justice that didn't always (okay, maybe never) mesh with the prissy rules and regulations of the higher ups.

But that didn't mean he went about accusing pirates of crimes they hadn't committed.

"Tashigi," Smoker said, looking thoughtful as he zeroed in on the Straw Hat captain. The four pirates haven't yet split up but he's sure they will. Scum like them always resorted to the same tactics in the face of superior firepower. The one with the sword though… he didn't get a good look at her in the bar, but out here in the sun… "That girl looks just like you."

"We're nothing alike," Tashigi snarled and Smoker actually turned his head, surprised to hear the level of venom in her voice. Tashigi had never shown that level of passion save in her precious blades. "That's Pirate Hunter Kuina."

"Huh," Smoker mused. It was true that Tashigi's remarkable recovery had been nothing short of miraculous. As if it hadn't been her that had been wounded in the first place.

"LET'S MEET AT RAIN DINNERS!" Came the yell.

On cue the Straw Hat pirates zipped off in opposite directions.

It was only then that Smoker realized that one of them looks an awful lot like the Abalastan Princess, disappeared from the public eye.

Huh.

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They were on the fourth chapter regarding the cure and treatment of various nerve toxins when Kaya just happened to look out the window when a familiar head of blue hair ran past, chased by a mob of Baroque World agents, peacock slashers in constant motion.

"Chopper," Kaya said tentatively, not trusting her eyes, "is that-"

"Ahhh!" Chopper screamed, leaping to his feet as he saw the same scene. "VIVI NEEDS HELP!" With a single motion, he slammed open the window and made good to leap out from the second floor. He could have managed it too, even while not in jump point. His 'human' form was plenty strong enough.

Kaya grasped him by the arm before he could. Excitement pounded at her but she kept her breathing level. "I'm... I'm coming too."

"Kaya, your health-"

"She's my friend too!" Kaya exclaimed.

Chopper looked her in the eye and Kaya was suddenly aware that Chopper, despite his age, was still a doctor first and foremost and had sweat blood and tears for the privilege and that meant something to him.

After what seemed like an eternity Chopper nodded slowly and Kaya could have sobbed in relief. Then, hesitantly, he whispered: "Don't tell Dr. Kureha or she'll kill both of us" and Kaya couldn't help herself and laughed: the nervous titter of someone who realized that she'd gotten her selfish way again and wasn't sure if she wanted it.

She picked up Usopp's slingshot, took a deep breath and grabbed her poisoned pellets.

Chopper picked her up and then they jumped out the window.

Sunlight glared harshly on her and she began perspiring again but once the hood of the cloak was over her head she felt almost immediately better

Vivi had nearly disappeared, but then they spotted her as they rounded the corner. A war cry died even before it had started as something – just a white blur and a voice, dry and rich like the sight of the expansive Alabastan desert – blurred through the assembled Baroque World Agents and made mince meat out of them, first with twin gatling guns and then with just speed. They hadn't even noticed Vivi move – one moment she was on the ground surrounded by agents – the next she was just there on the rooftop of a nearby building.

Chopper's eyes sparkled as did Kaya's. A hero! A real hero!

But when there was a hero there was always a-

"Impressive. I've never seen a human fly," came the self-assured, slightly mocking tone. "But, are you stronger than I?"

-villain.

Even if Chopper didn't recognize that voice, Kaya surely did.

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The battle was short and brutal, almost to the point of absurdity.

"Tres fleur."

The strongest warrior of Alabasta cawed in surprise as arms grew out of his back, clutching at his wings and preventing him from removing his sword from its sheathe. A moment later he crashed into the roof, body battered but not broken. The strongest warrior in Alabasta rose shakily to his feet.

"Seis Fleur Clutch."

Bone crunched. This time, the warrior did not get up.

"Pell!" Vivi cried.

Kaya knew with a sick certainty that they're outmatched – their entire crew was outmatched juts before Whiskey Peak – but they need to at least _try_.

"Let's go," Kaya said tightly. Chopper nodded.

"Jump Point," Chopper muttered, grabbing Kaya and hoisting her to his shoulders as he made an impressive leap in the air, bouncing off the ledge of the first floor and then heading straight up. They rose high – high enough to come to eye level with Vivi and Ms. All-Sunday. Kaya had her slingshot at the ready.

"Stinging Wasps!" Kaya cried, firing her poisoned pellets.

Ms. All-Sunday lifted Pell's corpse with her devil fruit powers and turned him into an impromptu shield. The missiles smacked into him and he coughed weakly even as Kaya mouthed 'no'. Before either of the pirates could do more than react, Ms. All-Sunday gave a careless flick of her hands and tossed Pell at them.

Chopper screamed as his mid-air leap was interrupted and the three of them fell back towards the ground.

They landed hard.

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"Pell... Chopper... Kaya..." Vivi sobbed.

On the ground below the warrior and doctors lay motionless.

"You're lucky to have such _devoted _friends." Ms. All-Sunday told her.

Vivi got to her trembling feet. Pell was a soldier. Pell had eaten the falcon devil fruit. Nothing could kill him. But Chopper… Kaya…

"I'll kill you, I'll _kill _you-"

"Such harsh words from a princess," Ms. All-Sunday said, shaking her head. "Go on. Try it, then."

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"This," Luffy announced from within the seastone cage, "is a fiendishly clever trap."

"Bon-chan told you it was a trap!" Kuina roared, bonking him on the head. She's privately glad that the okama managed to get away.

Gin sighed and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: "Baby-sitter. I'm definitely the baby-sitter."

Smoker and Tashigi argued in their corner of the cage.

"But I told you that I was never injured," Tashigi said, sounding uncharacteristically ill-tempered. "I was kidnapped! All of you said I was hallucinating!"

"Then why didn't you say anything about your sister?" Smoker asks.

"SHE'S NOT MY SISTER," Kuina and Tashigi roar simultaneously.

Crocodile clapped sarcastically. It was an interesting sound what with one hand being a steel hook and the other one shifting from flesh and bone to sand and back again.

"Gentlemen, ladies, your personal lives are of no interest to me," the shichibukai said, "please wait quietly for our guests of honor to arrive."

"CROCODILE-" Luffy shouted, gripping the edges of the seastone cage.

Predictably, he lost his energy and collapses to his knees.

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Weak. Why was she so _weak_?

Vivi watched the world pass by as Ms. All-Sunday dragged her through the streets by her hair, citizens laughing uncertainly at the display of one beautiful woman dragging another along. Or, rather, one bloody and disheveled one being dragged along by a beautiful, unbloodied one.

"Doesn't that look a lot like the Princess?"

"No way, you know who that is? The one that's always with Crocodile-sama."

"Hahaha, damn, good thing he's making sure we're all protected. I woulda never pegged that gal for being a criminal."

If only they knew.

But a hand was clapped over her mouth.

Rain Dinners passed by in a blur. She should feel anger – there was so much here, and it was all wealth stolen at the expense of the Alabastan people but all she felt was a cold, deep-seated tiredness that clawed at her limbs and made a mockery of her energy. Still, she could... she could...

A door opened. Ms. All-Sunday pushed her into the room, letting her go from her restraints. Mistake. Snarling, Vivi turned to strike – and went tumbling down the stairs, head over heels as a dozen arms broke her concentration and her balance.

She hit her head a few times on the way down. When she rose to her feet, her nose was gushing blood, staining the front of her dress a dark, dirty brown.

"VIVI!" Luffy shouted. Her head turned and she found the rest of the Straw Hats, captured in… oh, of course, a cage of seastone. She gripped her hands, nails drawing blood.

"You've damaged her," Crocodile noted.

"She legitimately became a frontier agent," Ms. All-Sunday replied. "Strength like that should be rewarded."

Vivi turned her head weakly and then grasped her weapons. She has one chance. One chance- even logias weren't incorporeal all the time, if she could catch him off guard maybe she could kill him and end the madness-

Someone came to the door.

"The millions say they've captured another of the Straw Hats," Ms. All-Sunday said, tipping her hat as she closed the door.

Vivi exploded into motion. A leap forward – fast, faster than she has ever gone despite her aching bones and bloodied hands. A peacock slasher went straight for his head.

Crocodile exploded.

Luffy, Gin and Kuina wore identical expressions of dumbfounded surprise.

"Nope," Smoker said, breaking the illusion of victory.

Crocodile reformed behind Vivi, a cloud of sand come to life. His right hand gripped her face while his hook drew a bloody furrow on the side of her neck. "Are you satisfied, Miss Wednesday?"

Tears of frustration formed at the corner of her eyes.

"You- YOU! If it weren't for you-"

"Ah, but you don't quite yet understand," Crocodile chuckled. It was a chillingly monotonous sound. "Here, let me paint you a picture."

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_A little girl gets to her trembling legs and takes a deep breath._

"_Can you finish the job, Miss Goldenweek?" Mr. One asks, voice devoid of emotion. Although it hurts a bit to look at him, as if the brain is yelling he can't quite be real, he looks a lot like the king of the country. Small details are off though: the size of his head, the breadth of his shoulders, the lack of hair... but it is nonetheless a remarkable likeness._

"_Yes, yes, of course," the hypnotist squeaks. "Just... stand there. This isn't easy. The mix has to be exactly right."_

"_I'd never have pegged you for an actor," Miss Doublefinger chuckles as she waits for Miss Goldenweek to finish painting. She is wearing the elite uniform of the Alabastan royal guard as are the millions behind them. _

"_I don't need to be," Mr. One says simply. "I just need to do my job."_

_They wait. They are on schedule but there is a bit of flexibility to it._

"_Done!" Miss Goldenweek says shrilly._

_As if on cue, Kozha, the Rebellion leader, arrives._

"_Good," Mr. One says and without missing a beat, slashes Ms. Goldenweek across the chest. She falls onto the street with a gargle, choking on her own blood._

"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING, KING?" Kozha cries, appalled as he goes to help the dying painter._

"_I stole the water of this country," Mr. One says. The non sequitur might raise some brows but at the moment, everyone is too angry to notice. _

"_YOU BAST-"_

_Miss Doublefinger shoots him just as a boat crashes into the harbour._

_And just like that, a war has begun._

_._

_._

_._

_._

"You bastard," Vivi cried, this time though, she didn't bother to hide her tears.

Crocodile laughed outright.

"Everyone wants to defend their country. And now they'll kill each other in its name! Their trust, their strength… their ruin. Humans are such foolish creatures, don't you think?" Another laugh. "In the end, the only thing that matters is _winning_. Princess, you have a choice. You can save these worthless pirates or try to head off the rebellion." A key appeared in his hand. "This-"

A knock came at the door of the entrance to the basement. Crocodile raised an eyebrow as Ms. All-Sunday entered, a captured pirate dragged along by a road of arms. She tossed the prisoner down the steps. He landed in a heap. "The Millions captured our last straggler."

Crocodile took a moment to identify the man – or woman – before laughing again.

Bon Clay. Of course.

"All our loose ends tied up at last," Crocodile said, pleased. He turned to the former Mr. Two, ignoring the Straw Hat's shouts of alarm or the repeated pleas for the Princess to free them. Fools.

"You've betrayed me, Mr. Two."

"Mmmf-pmmmf," the okama said, trying to speak through the gag. One of the hands somehow got free of the bonds and moves up.

"Don't bother," Crocodile said darkly as he grabbed the hand with his own. "I know how your power works. You cannot fool me with your borrowed face." He took a moment to consider something. "Now do me a favour, Mr. Two."

Bon Clay was clearly begging which made it all the more amusing.

"Hold onto this."

He put the key in the okama's hand. Bon Clay blinked in confusion. Then he gasped as Crocodile continued holding onto him. Before their horrified eyes, all his body's moisture vanished and he _shrivelled_.

"BON-CHAAAAN-!"

"NO-!"

"The price of betrayal," he told the mummified okama, dropping him into the pit of bananadiles. "Is death."

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Vivi didn't dive in after the Bon-chan.

There's no point.

Crocodile continued to laugh.

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The Den Den Mushi rang.

Luffy was beyond apocalyptic rage, bashing into the cage again and again no matter how impossible it was for a Devil Fruit user to defy its construction. Kuina takes a deep breath. All she had to do was cut seastone. She knew, because she was a swordswoman and her level's grown, that that task was beyond her.

_Gaaahahahaha! Kuina-san puts too much stock into little things like gender! The okama way is the human way!_

It doesn't stop her from trying.

Gin sat there, biding his time, eyes coldly furious.

Tashigi had her useless hands over her mouth. Smoker's expression was unreadable.

The Den Den Mushi rang again. Crocodile picked it up.

"Hello."

"_Th-this is Chopper Man!_"

"Who?_" _Crocodile asked, genuinely confused.

"_Ch-Chopper Man!"_ The voice seemed to gain a great deal of confidence as it continued blustering._ "I've defeated all your stupid underlings, evil overlord of nastiness!_"

"Really now,_" _Crocodile said. He makes a gesture with his eyes and Ms. All-Sunday left the room, presumably to investigate. "Why?"

The voice continued, the high-pitched thrum of a boy not yet past puberty.

"_Because you're evil! Give back Vivi!_" There was a muffled background noise that sounded suspiciously like an explosion. "_And everyone else! You monster! Evil! Nose-hair!_" Suddenly there was a burst of static. Then Ms. All-Sunday's clear voice echoed through.

"_I have apprehended the interloper. He was rampaging at the entrance."_

Crocodile glowered. "Kill him."

He pressed a lever and Rain Dinners begins its countdown to self-destruction.

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"I see I was too merciful." Ms. All-Sunday said, sighing, as she puts down the Den-Den Mushi. At the entrance of Rain Dinners, the millions are scattered like bowling pins. None are even groaning – they've been beaten deep into unconsciousness or even death.

"I'm a pirate!" Chopper said defiantly, flailing in the grasp of a multitude of arms. His voice, however, cracked.

Ms. All-Sunday sighed. Despite his formidable appearance, Ms. All-Sunday suspected that she was dealing with a child less than half her age. "How did you even survive the fall?"

Chopper stopped struggling. His eyes sparkled.

Ms. All-Sunday's eyes widen. A smokescreen exploded into existence even as one of the fallen millions rose and dodged the blindly grown hands. She dodged once and then twice, raising an impromptu shielding of hands that was just as quickly cut apart, leaving trailing tracks of blood on her original arms. In the throes of battle and unexpected distraction she was a step too late. Pain burst across her side. A moment later her brain caught up with the rest of her and she knew she had been slashed – not by a sword – but by a talon.

That wouldn't be enough – not even close – but the accompanying numbness and nausea told her that she'd been poisoned too.

Ms. All-Sunday smiled thinly as she fell.

Well done. Well done indeed.

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They worked quickly: the smokescreen would only last for a few instants.

Clothes were changed. A Baroque World Agent was given new robes and then mercilessly broken by Pell who imitated Ms. All-Sunday's work as best he can.

They'll have to hope that Crocodile doesn't recognize all of his workers on sight.

When the smoke cleared, Ms. All-Sunday was standing there, broken 'pirate' by her side.

She laughed, very softly to herself, uncharacteristically wide smile on her face as Crocodile appeared.

"Zero-chan!" Ms. All-Sunday greeted as Crocodile approached. "He says he had comrades!"

"Then we will _find_ them," Crocodile said grimly, stalking off.

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_They fall. Chopper lands – hard – but defence point spares them from worse than simple bruising. Kaya oompfs as Pell's full weight lands on her._

_Poisoned and broken, Pell struggles to rise._

_It is the hardest thing Kaya has ever done but she knows, without a doubt, that this is a battle they cannot win. She hits him with a whiff of chloroform and he stops flailing. Before Chopper can say anything she speaks._

"_Pretend."_

"_But-"_

"_You _must_." She tells him, wishing she didn't have to. "We can't win. We have to find Luffy. So pretend."_

_And so they do. Wait while their Princess is taken away._

_It isn't long. Two or three minutes._

_But it feels like an eternity._

_Once they are sure Ms. All-Sunday and Vivi are gone they get up and explode into motion. One grabs Pell and force feeds him the antidote to her poisoned pellets while the other frets about avian biology and brittle bones._

_It takes them all of five minutes to stitch and tape him back together although it is hasty and he _needs_ his rest._

_Luckily, he thinks he passed out on his own._

"_We must rescue the princess," Pell says grimly, reverting to human form._

_It takes them another thirty seconds to tighten the bandages that have loosened on his comparatively thinner frame._

_Before Kaya can suggest a plan she's interrupted by the sight of Bon Clay being chased by Baroque World agents._

_._

_._

_._

_._

"_Luffy and everyone else have been captured," Bon Clay tells them, breathless from his running and then the subsequent fighting._

"_So has Vivi-san," Kaya admits._

"_You are... comrades of the Princess, then?" Pell asks._

_If Pell finds the notion of discussing rescue plans with pirates inside a room of a love hotel as distasteful, he hides it well enough. Perhaps it is because it is rather obvious that no one here has the slightest clue why the bed is heart shaped or why the rates are hourly._

"_Friends," Chopper says forcefully._

_The rest nod._

"_I," Bon Clay announces after a moment of profound thought, "have a _plan_."_

_._

_._

_._

_._

_Perhaps it is because the plan is so unutterably bold that it works so well._

_They kidnap a Baroque World agent first. It's not the easiest thing, but Pell is – despite his wounds – lightning quick. There is a suspicion among the two doctors that his recovery is more than natural but that's immaterial at the moment._

_The Baroque World agent switches clothes with the okama. The agent is then given the proper make-up while Bon Clay rubs his own out._

_Then Bon Clay marches him into Rain Dinners while Kaya carefully coats Pell's talons with poison._

_Their first chance at kidnapping and replacing Ms. All-Sunday fails. She doesn't go to the entrance at all, merely bades them to walk the prisoner into the VIP lounge._

_So they go for a second trial and call up Crocodile while they beat the rest of the agents up._

_They don't really _need_ to kidnap Ms. All-Sunday, just get Crocodile and his devil partner out of Rain Dinners while the rest get inside unnoticed and rescue everyone._

_When Ms. All-Sunday appears and Crocodile is still speaking through the Den Den Mushi they take a chance. _

_._

_._

_._

_._

Vivi attacked the bananadiles with everything she has as she tried to make it to the stairs. Bon-chan was still alive. She doesn't know who it was that Crocodile threw into the pit, but it wasn't their okama.

"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" Luffy raged.

Vivi tried explaining it to Luffy but had given it up as a lost cause after the first two minutes. She's also not entirely sure if she truly saw things the way they were or if it was merely wishful thinking on her part.

Then a voice she wasn't expecting to hear appeared and her heart alights.

"Vanishing Blade."

Even if he hadn't consumed his devil fruit, Pell would still be known as the strongest warrior of the kingdom. His blade was a sight to behold as he slashed apart banandile after bananadile, heedless of the water.

Kuina had a suspiciously hungry look on her face as she contemplated his work: a hundred lightning quick slashes aimed at a precise point. Individually each slash was powerful: together they multiply rather than add their power, making bananadiles literally explode.

Kaya and Chopper were there too, an unconscious Ms. All-Sunday slung over Chopper's back, at the entrance of the room.

"We don't have much time," Kaya fretted. "How-"

"The key!" Smoker shouted. "The third banandile to your left!"

Instead of a key alone they discovered three wax balls.

A very thirsty Mr. Three, Mr. Five and Miss Valentine appear, like chicks hatching from eggs. Before any grandstanding can take place, Pell efficiently tried the key stuck to Mr. Three's wax ball – discovered it didn't fit – and then beats the three agents into opening the cage with whatever means they know how while Kaya menaced them with her poison pellets.

It was probably Ms. All-Sunday on Chopper's back that made them realize that these people were not to be trifled with.

A wax key appeared.

The cage opened.

The dam broke.

Then there came the flood.

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"We have," Gin complained as he dragged himself out of the moat, "too many goddamn hammers."

With Kuina taking care of Luffy and the three losers it had been up to him to grab their two doctors and their prisoner. One too frail to fight the current, the other two, legitimate devil fruit users. Vivi had somehow managed to rescue Pell which no doubt mortified the man. Gin knew his type: soldier through and through.

And so was Smoker.

"You're all under arrest," the man said, rising to his feet, water squelching at every motion, his ensign behind him.

Pell rose to _his_ feet and Gin watched Kuina stuff her hand in Luffy's mouth, preventing the rubber boy from saying anything idiotic. "You have no authority to detain the Princess _or_ her comrades. They work in the interest of the Alabastan state, a recognized participant of World Government affairs."

"They're pirates-"

"And you _will_ respect our sovereignty and our authority. You will _not_ touch them, regardless, so long as their feet touch Alabastan sand."

Smoker blew a ring out of his mouth before flipping his jutte and pointing it at the [i]hana hana no mi[/i] user and the other Baroque World agents. "Hand those bastards over, at least."

"We need to question them," Pell responded.

After a moment, Smoker straightened. "Tashigi."

"Sir!"

"What's the usual paperwork for going undercover?"

"Sir… I…"

"Hell, I don't know either." Smoker paused. The words that came next seemed to have come out of his mouth with the same difficulty with which one pulled teeth. "We're coming with you. Tashigi, tell the boys to get going towards the capital and meet us-"

A sandstorm appeared behind them and was followed by the appearance of Ms. All-Sunday.

"You're all _dead_," Crocodile hissed.

The entrance in front of Rain Dinners was empty: everyone had fled once the millions had begun to be beaten up. Crocodile's wrath was coming.

"EVERYONE, GET GOING." Luffy yelled, shaking water off himself like a dog. "I'LL DEFEAT HIM."

The statement was ludicrous enough to give even Smoker pause. Then the marine captain smiled. "Heh. No you won't. That's _my_ job." He took out his jutte. "Tashigi, follow them. You're going in undercover."

Pell pushed Vivi towards the other straw hats and removed his own sword. The Straw Hat pirates looked uncertainly between their captain, the marine one and the head of the royal guard.

"GO!" Luffy yelled. "HE KILLED BON-CHAN. I'LL HANDLE THIS."

The current Ms. All-Sunday winked hugely and twirled. Fortunately, Crocodile didn't notice. Unfortunately, neither did Luffy.

"Oho. All of you at once?" Crocodile asked. His eyes went hard. "I think I can spare thirty seconds. Ms. All-Sunday, leave this to me."

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"GOMU GOMU… BAZOOKA!" "WHITE OUT." "VANISHING BLADE."

Crocodile disappeared into the smoke, avoiding their attacks.

"Did you know," he asked pleasantly, right hand sliding through the smoke that was the marine's body, silently counting down the seconds that would make the parched Alabastan air absorb the water they had been dunked in. "-that smoke is also made of water too?"

It wasn't near enough to turn him solid… but more than enough for a certain trick of his right hand.

"Erosion."

The marine captain coughed and then dried up, jutte clattering to the ground.

One down.

Pell burst through him. Flight was much like wind: it would cause the water to evaporate that much more quickly. On the next pass, Pell flew right into a wall of desert blades. Blood and feathers flew.

Two down.

"GOMU GOMU PISTOL-" Crocodile flew back as a water-soaked hand slammed into his face. He spat out blood, nursing the inside of his mouth before turning to sand and reforming behind the boy.

There was a squelching noise.

"You and I are not in the same league," he told the pirate. Blood dripped down his hook: he'd impaled the boy through the chest.

The boy slumped to the ground as Crocodile shook him off.

Three down.

"Farewell, gentlemen. I have a country to conquer."

Laughing, he tossed them into the moat.

When he motioned for Ms. All-Sunday to follow she tittered and said she had some lingering business here. He shrugged his shoulders.

"So long as you get there in time," he told her, waving her off.

"Don't disappoint me."

"Oh, I won't, Crocodile-chan!"

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Additional Note: The Bon Clay in this continuity defected too early for him to be aware of the specifics of Crocodile's plan, only that it involved overturning the monarchy. That would explain why they didn't just stay in Nanohana and meet with Kozha there. If anyone was wondering.


End file.
